I’m a coward. When it comes to cancer anyway. Before many of life’s events – the birth of a baby, the graduation of a child, the loss of a parent, a promotion, a cancer diagnoses for a family member, we think we’ve got it figured out. “If that happened to me, I’d…” Powerful words until it happens to you.
Two years in and it’s still hard to wrap my mind around cancer. I keep waiting for this to be over, but it’s not. My mom’s cancer diagnosis has revealed some things to me about myself.
– Big events don’t really cause you to change your life, you pretty much live the way you want to until you want to change. External forces aren’t good motivators.
– I see my mom as a perpetual teddy bear or security blanket instead of someone to be served. I told you I was a coward. It’s true. I don’t want to see her any other way than I always have. Maybe I’m afraid if I live like she’s got cancer, instead of say the flu, then it will be real.
– I’m personally not good at the long haul. I’m more of a sprinter. Problem is, life is of the marathon variety. Dang. So is cancer. I don’t know if it’s something that’s ever really over.
I wish it was different. I wish I were different. I wish I wasn’t a coward. When it comes to being available to my mom during this difficult time of her life I find myself flaking out. For some reason the courage, and strong stomach, life and parenting has instilled in me flies out the window when it comes to my mom.
Not because I don’t love her, certainly not that. Maybe because it hits a little too close and changes too much.
I’m not angry. I have angry moments. Honest moments when I tell God that I wouldn’t do things the way he’s doing it. But those are just raw moments when I feel safe enough to tell him how I feel. I don’t live angry, with my hands in fists. It’s true, I don’t understand what God’s doing, but I trust what he’s about.
I just can’t imagine he would waste his Son’s precious blood. The blood that’s bought my mom’s life. She’s an investment too precious for him to be frivolous with. I don’t think her having cancer is a capricious whim of a negligent God. It must be the best way for him to glorify himself and transform lives. It must be the best route for him to turn cowards into servants.
Many people have dealt with a cancer diagnosis for themselves or someone they love. If that’s you I would love to hear where your courage has come from. Go on, inspire us!