I’m a coward

I’m a coward. When it comes to cancer anyway. Before many of life’s events – the birth of a baby, the graduation of a child, the loss of a parent, a promotion, a cancer diagnoses for a family member, we think we’ve got it figured out. “If that happened to me, I’d…” Powerful words until it happens to you.

Two years in and it’s still hard to wrap my mind around cancer. I keep waiting for this to be over, but it’s not. My mom’s cancer diagnosis has revealed some things to me about myself.

– Big events don’t really cause you to change your life, you pretty much live the way you want to until you want to change. External forces aren’t good motivators.

– I see my mom as a perpetual teddy bear or security blanket instead of someone to be served. I told you I was a coward. It’s true. I don’t want to see her any other way than I always have. Maybe I’m afraid if I live like she’s got cancer, instead of say the flu, then it will be real.

– I’m personally not good at the long haul. I’m more of a sprinter. Problem is, life is of the marathon variety. Dang. So is cancer. I don’t know if it’s something that’s ever really over.

I wish it was different. I wish I were different. I wish I wasn’t a coward. When it comes to being available to my mom during this difficult time of her life I find myself flaking out. For some reason the courage, and strong stomach, life and parenting has instilled in me flies out the window when it comes to my mom.

Not because I don’t love her, certainly not that. Maybe because it hits a little too close and changes too much.

I’m not angry. I have angry moments. Honest moments when I tell God that I wouldn’t do things the way he’s doing it. But those are just raw moments when I feel safe enough to tell him how I feel.  I don’t live angry, with my hands in fists. It’s true, I don’t understand what God’s doing, but I trust what he’s about.

I just can’t imagine he would waste his Son’s precious blood. The blood that’s bought my mom’s life. She’s an investment too precious for him to be frivolous with. I don’t think her having cancer is a capricious whim of a negligent God. It must be the best way for him to glorify himself and transform lives. It must be the best route for him to turn cowards into servants.

Many people have dealt with a cancer diagnosis for themselves or someone they love. If that’s you I would love to hear where your courage has come from. Go on, inspire us!

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2 thoughts on “I’m a coward

  1. Hi, Beck! My mom died 2 years ago after a 20 year battle with Huntington’s Disease. We slowly “lost” Mom for 15 years as HD took its ever-evolving, degenerative toll. All those years and it was still hard to “wrap my mind around” HD! I can so relate to the difficulty of evolving from the child to a sometimes sad/angry/bewildered yet grateful caretaker. Sometimes when she was upset, all I could do was sing or read her favorite hymns or scriptures to her, knowing that even though I could not usually recognize the mom I knew, she was still “in there” and experiencing God’s precious presence.
    As far as cancer, I had a 6 month check up this week and am now 10 years post cancer! When I went through lots of surgeries, chemo, radiation, etc, my kids were only 13 and 18 years old. Several things kept me encouraged: Rob, my amazing husband constantly by my side; family and friends praying, cooking, cleaning, taking my 13 year old to school, visiting (people have all sorts of ways they want to help, and I had to learn to accept help!) ; the prayer blog Rob started to keep people all over the globe informed & doing warfare; and especially my faith in God, Jesus, & Holy Spirit. God gave me a huge gift when He told me and confirmed through 4 trusted people that it was not my time to die, so I could use my mental, emotional and spiritual energy fighting the enemy cancer rather than writing good bye letters to my young kids! I felt like I was in a huge bubble of grace! Scriptures that were very special at that time told me “the joy of the Lord is my strength” and I will praise Him “in the land of the living”! Sometimes I cried and questioned but I also learned the importance of not letting our enemy getting his claws into my soul and spirit and stealing God’s covering of peace. When all is said and done, the truth remains: God is still God, He is still loving and good and constant, He never changes! We can trust in that!
    Love and hugs to you, dear one! God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you and give you His peace throughout this season of your life!

    • Thank you for sharing your journey and encouragement from the other side! Praise God for the community he surrounded you with and for the perspective you have now. I know one day I’ll thank him for those things too.

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